I hate myself for unusual reasons

I kind of hate myself for reasons you will find amazing, I kind of hate myself because I am too nice, too generous, too serious, too good intentioned, too respectable. I'm a nearly 23 year old guy who has never been to a single party, apart from that hosted by his parents in his whole life, I rarely ever drink, never smoked or used drugs, never gotten drunk. I spend my friday and saturday nights at home either playing computer games, reading, watching movies or television programs.

I am the ultimate nice, decent, sober, respectable guy, I would make the prefect husband for a nice, sweet church girl. But the problem is in a lot of other ways I am the total opposite of the nice, sweet church girl in my outlooks and tastes. I'm quite liberal in sexual morals, I'm outright atheist, I listen to hardcore rap and hip-hop and watch quite violent films and television series.

I am aiming to change these aspects of my personality, but I have felt quite comfortable in being this type of character for a very long time and see them as the best of myself. It is going to be pretty hard to change myself in the years to come.

My newly developed desire to have a romantic relationship

Over the last year or so, I have been sorting out these new feelings I have developed. I’ve suddenly developed at the age of 22 a deep desire to be in a romantic relationship with a woman. Before then I not did have a desire before to be romantically intimate with a woman, to hug her, to kiss and caress her. Sure I had sexual feelings and fantasies involving women since the age of 12, but I had no feelings to be in a relationship with a woman or be romantic towards her.

Now I do have these feelings and desires, they are wonderful feelings, however sometimes they are uncomfortable for me and unsettling. I wish occasionally they would go away, because it makes me worried about if I am ever going to be in a romantic relationship ever and I can’t be desperate.

I used to never care about having a girlfriend, let alone getting married. When I was a teenager and even until I was 22. I was baffled by the romantically intimate behaviour I observed from other people, also I was indifferent to it. But when I came to university mid last year I had very different feelings when fellow students were romantically intimate towards each other, I felt I was missing out and jealous of them.

Out of this awakening if you would call it, firstly my sexual orientation as changed from that of a most likely asexual male to that of a straight male and secondly apart from having a well paying career in the accounting sector and getting a university education, I have a long term goal of being in a romantic relationship now and getting married.

What happened to me last year

What a year it has been in my life, a lot has changed in my life and a lot will change in the coming years.

Early last year I had completed my TAFE Certificate IV in Accounting and decided to look for work, I failed to get any positions although and even worked a while as a volunteer at a computer recycling place. June 2005 was one of the low points in my life, I decided I wanted to go to Melbourne and study science at Monash or Latrobe, but family circumstances meant I could not. I was crushed and decided to apply to get mid year entry into an Accounting course at the local Latrobe campus.

Even after getting into university, I despaired if I would ever be able to move out of my dad's home and was depressed for a fair degree, I hardly socialized with fellow students on campus because I was so depressed. I almost had a mental breakdown in December because I was getting very lonely, but I overcame that by thinking back at what I have achieved and what I will achieve in my life and that gave me a self confidence and self esteem I had not have for many years. I've decided this semester I will be socializing a lot more with fellow students, being a part of the Orientation week so I can meet as many of the first year students as possible, joining some clubs and attending as many social events as possible on campus.

I experienced new feelings for the first time in my life last year, For the first time in my life I experienced wanting to be in a romantic relationship with a woman, wanting to do romantic things, wanting to emotionally intimate with a woman. This happened to me when I was 22, a quite late age indeed. I used to never want those things, sure I had sexual attraction and fantasies about women, but I did not have romantic feelings and fantasies about women. These new feelings are still strange to me, but they are wonderful feelings

This year, if I met as many female students on campus as possible, I will be dating and maybe having a girlfriend for the first time in my life I am hopeful of this happening because last semester when I was depressed and hardly socialized, I had two female students attracted to me, I did not follow through because of various reasons. However it gave my insight into how attractive I am as a guy, people have often said I was handsome, but never seriously believed it, now I do. I can date with or even be a boyfriend to quite attractive female students.

Introduction

I will be 23 in March, I'm from Bendigo in Victoria, I'm at the local Latrobe University campus studying the Bachelor of Commerce, which I hope to complete in two and half years time, but hope to be offered an position in the accounting industry in two years when I will have completed all the compulsory subjects for the Accounting major, then after that I will work my way up to become a CPA. My dream is to have a highly paid job, which allow me to do the things I wanted to do for a long time and move to the inner suburbs of Melbourne or Sydney.

My interests are, Science (Particularly geology and Paleontology), Computers and Gaming, History, Autism, Cooking, Bike Riding, Traveling. I am aiming to start doing martial arts fairly soon. I do not have religious beliefs since I am an atheist, but philosophically I am deeply attracted to certain Oriental philosophies, particularly of Zen Buddhism. My musical tastes are all over the place, ranging from Classical to Latin to R&B, Hip Hop and Rap.

I wanted to do this blog as a record of my experiences and thoughts as I progress through life and some opinions added in as well.